Weeks one and two were hard. Emily didn't want to go to the unit. On some days she cried or screamed not to be left there. But despite her protests I knew she needed to stay if she was to have any chance of starting to make a recovery.
Regardless of her thoughts when she went in each morning, she came out at 4pm almost smiling, not because she was now free to go, but because, actually, she'd enjoyed her day. She'd be quite chatty in the car home, telling me what the other kids had been up to, what activities they'd done and who she was starting to make friends with. Until the new school term she will only be going three days a week, giving her a couple of extra days at home.
By the end of the second week I thought I could see a change in her. She seemed more calm, the 'episodes' became much less frequent, I actually thought she was doing well. Not better in such a short time, but definitely calmer and more in control. As my Wedding day was moving ever closer, with so many things to do, Emily's new found calmness was just what I needed.
But things are most certainly not as they seem. On Monday night I remarked how well Emily was doing. She let me in to a secret. Her health had not improved, but her acting skills had. Once she'd admitted that she'd been hiding her problems and that she'd done it for my sake, the flood gates opened once more. She was trying to shield me, she could see how busy I was with work and the Wedding and was trying to give me 'a break'. I felt like I had failed her. It had suited me to think she was feeling better. It was true, I did have so much to do, but I should have realised.
Since she's opened back up to me the episodes have returned and they are ferocious, longer, louder and more heart breaking than even before.
Her Medic is hoping to start medication next week. I'd begun to think that maybe she'd be ok without it, but now I see her pain again and I see I am wrong.
I know the thought of the Wedding is adding to her pain and fears, but I can't afford to cancel it and I do believe that when she gets caught up in the day she will enjoy herself.
I hope I am not wrong about this too.
- Mum of 2, suffering my own mental health issues, I began to write this blog as a way to release feelings and emotions. At 13 my daughter was terribly bullied which has led to her having serious mental health problems of her own. She is now 16. I wanted to document our journey and hopefully be able to look back and see how far we have come.