I've found it terribly hard this week. I've missed Emily so much. We get so used to being able to phone or text our loved ones at any time that it is alien when this option is removed. Emily's phone is usually in her possession for 2 hours per day, approximately 6pm - 8pm. The rest of the time it sits in a safe. Sometimes she doesn’t collect it at all.
She goes back to the unit on a Sunday evening and there is no visiting on
Monday.. Obviously that makes it Tuesday
night before I can see her. It seems such a long time. Messages were flying
from my phone to hers on Monday evening, but it doesn't replace actually seeing
her in the flesh.
On Monday morning I had my own Doctors appointment. She looked at me with pity in her eyes before
increasing my medication and offering to refer me for a new batch of counselling. I’m not sure how long the waiting list will
be, but I think it will be well worth exploring my first marriage and the
problems my daughter is recalling from that time. I wonder if I can actually lay some of the
crap to rest. Time will tell, it’s weird
how I can hardly recall any details.
On Tuesday I went to visit Emily with my husband and son. We played games
around a table and tried to keep it light hearted, but there were times when
Emily cried. She says she missed cuddles
the most and she can’t go to anyone when she wakes in the night.
Her father has wanted to see her this week, but she doesn’t want him to
visit. This has caused some problems as
he thinks it’s me being obstructive. I think our relationship has now reached a
point of no return.
I’ve visited Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Emily tells me she finds it
hard when I visit. She really wants to
see me and have cuddles but then she misses me when I’ve gone. Trouble is I don’t think I could go without
seeing her. That’s perhaps me being
selfish. My biggest fear is that she’ll
say she doesn’t want to see me, like she’s done with her father.
Today my Mum & Dad brought her home for the weekend. She is already showing signs of distress, she
really wants to hurt herself. Tonight we
had poster paints out in the living room and we both made colourful
patterns. Tomorrow we will decorate
squares of fabric, as I came up with the idea of us making squares for a
patchwork quilt. It will be another full
on intense weekend, but I don’t care. At
least I have her home, if only for the weekend.
I just need to keep her safe
- Mum of 2, suffering my own mental health issues, I began to write this blog as a way to release feelings and emotions. At 13 my daughter was terribly bullied which has led to her having serious mental health problems of her own. She is now 16. I wanted to document our journey and hopefully be able to look back and see how far we have come.