Since my last post we have had another Family Therapy Session and Emily's 6 week review. We also had a family melt down last Sunday. Emily and her brother were constantly snapping at each other throughout the day, but the final straw came when my son dropped a toy down the stairs. Despite us all trying to help him put it back together (it was fixable) he ranted and yelled and wanted help but wouldn't actually let anyone get involved.
I really couldn't take anymore, work is rubbish, home is rubbish. In the end, Emily shut herself in her room, I was sobbing hysterically in my room, wishing for a change, that I was dead. Andrew was stamping around shouting that his toy would never be fixed and my poor husband was trying to sort the lot of us.
Calm eventually returned, apologies were given and I suppose normal life resumed, well what passes for normal life.
The review meeting was strange, we felt out of place. I couldn't say the things I really wanted to, as Emily was present. I wanted to say that I was finding it hard. Each day gets harder. Emily is showing no signs of improvement. Her self harm continues and her arms and legs are covered in superficial slash marks.
The Consultant intimated that we should keep Emily distracted at all times and that spending time in her room alone was counter productive. My husband and I were referred to as 'Carers'. I found this really clinical and impersonal. They admitted they had not put in place the support needed and that this would be rectified. I tried to defend myself, explain what we try and do with Emily, but I did feel like I was on trial.
Later in the week the unit phoned me to tell me Emily's mood was low. They suggested we keep her busy, maybe some baking? I have to admit to feeling totally fed up. I am well aware of Emily's mood. We had spent all previous nights 'keeping her busy'. I am so frustrated. It doesn't matter what I do, we distract and entertain, nothing changes. I'm not sure how, after a full day at work, I'm supposed to find the energy to bake. My Mum said she'd cried all of Thursday night, purely out of worry. Emily had repeatedly mentioned her wish to die.
On Friday Emily was walking around with 'I want to be dead' in marker pen on the back of her hand. Knowing how this was now affecting other people, I asked her to wash it off, to be honest I was cross with her. I know I shouldn't be, but it's almost as if she wants to wear her depression as a badge for all to see. She really has no idea of the impact this has on others. It's not her fault, but the upset is not diminished.
We've been trying to work on the garden this weekend, it's well overdue, I've tried to encourage Emily out into the sunshine. I needed to do something that showed an actual result for a change. This evening, I could see yet more slashes on her arms. I need to get away from this. Cahms are yet to have a positive impact and I'm not sure how much longer I can do this, work, house work, kids and crap. I feel like I've been worn away, eroded.
I thought I was a parent, when did it change to carer?
- Mum of 2, suffering my own mental health issues, I began to write this blog as a way to release feelings and emotions. At 13 my daughter was terribly bullied which has led to her having serious mental health problems of her own. She is now 16. I wanted to document our journey and hopefully be able to look back and see how far we have come.