I feel compelled to write, as it's been a couple of weeks since my last post. But to be honest I really don't know what I want to say.
Do I talk about the two sessions I've had with a counsellor? Given the waiting list for this, in my first session I found myself struggling to recall why I had been referred. Which aspect of my upside down life was I there to talk through and was it still relevant? The second session I threw caution to the wind and dragged us back over 20 years. I sobbed as I recalled a 20 year old girl settling for the adulterous older man thrown out by his wife, because she felt she must "do the honourable thing". The honourable thing lasted about 12 years.
And where is this man now? The father of my children? Cosy in his home, where he does not have to consider a sick child in his daily or even weekly routine. Am I bitter? You're damn right I am.
Do I have a moan about my lack of self control over the things I put in my mouth, which are allowing my ample frame to ever increase? The chocolate, the alcohol, anything that might give me a moment of pleasure, anything that might make me feel something other than dead inside.
Do I tell you that Emily will be leaving the unit at the end of the month? Should I explain how she will start to build up her return to school by adding 1 lesson extra each week, but on different days? I understand why it is being done this way, but all I can think about is how I facilitate this and still get time to go to work.
Maybe I should tell you that the closer we get to her discharge, the more anxious Emily becomes and the more I worry. Every time she leans on me I feel the weight is too much to bear.
Shall I explain how I want to shut myself away or that I crave sunshine on my face? I want to get drunk and dance, I want to set off on a journey, I want to do many things, none of them here. I want to forget all this crap and give my open sores a chance to scab over before the next onslaught.
There is a big mental health campaign at the moment, "Time to talk" What if you don't want to talk?
- Mum of 2, suffering my own mental health issues, I began to write this blog as a way to release feelings and emotions. At 13 my daughter was terribly bullied which has led to her having serious mental health problems of her own. She is now 16. I wanted to document our journey and hopefully be able to look back and see how far we have come.